I remember watching the Oprah show one time and she talked about a moment she had with a guest on her show. She described a split-second when she caught the person's eye and saw his reaction when he felt that she had really heard him. She said, "I witnessed the one thing all of us want: to be seen and heard. And it was beautiful."
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 Why Can't We Get People to Listen to Us?
Because the world is a noisy, distracting place, and the distractions keep mounting with each passing moment. Because of all the distractions and stress from the distractions, each of us feel that WE are not being heard so we talk more, and louder. It's only natural. When we're upset about something or very passionate about it, I believe our ears shut off and we talk even louder because what we have to say is so critically important to us that nothing else matters but getting the words out. 

There's a problem with this however, because the person or people that you're screaming at also want to be heard. And they want to react to what you just said. They want to react so much and so vehemently that they start talking louder. So you see where this is going, right? No one is heard but everyone desperately keeps trying.

Our Damn Ego
The other big thing that gets in the way is our damn ego. If someone says something that sets us off, touches a nerve, or hits our insecurities, the ego steps up and says, "Oh no! We must defend ourselves!" Because we can't be exposed or vulnerable. Basically, the ego's job is to protect us but we have to really examine if we're in actual danger. Most of the time we're not.

But here's the interesting thing about the ego: it fears that listening or seeing someone else will result in a loss of self. When we are fully present, when we listen and really see someone we not only fill the need of the other person but also within ourself. That's why Oprah said it was so beautiful when we witnessed the moment her guest felt seen and heard. She experienced it too. 

Be the Change You Want
Gandhi had it right. First, you have to experience what it is to be seen and heard before you can give it to another, and receive it from another. It all starts with you. Every. Damn. Thing. Starts. With. You. 

In your crazy day, week, month, life, you absolutely MUST find time to shut out all the distractions. Turn off the phone. Shut down Netflix. Don't listen to the radio. Just be quiet. You'll find that you don't like it, or that it's really uncomfortable. You're going to want to grab your phone and check it. Or you're going to start hearing all the chatter in your head, and some of it is not very nice. 

You need to stick with it. Stay with the feeling of being uncomfortable and remind yourself that you're not going to die from it. Then listen. Put your hand on your heart and hear it beating. That's you. You are listening to yourself, perhaps for the first time in a very long time. 

Practice doing this for a few days and you'll notice that you're more open to listening to others. You'll also find that some people will begin to listen to you. Some people won't listen to you, ever. But YOU get to choose how much time, if ever, you spend with the non-listeners. And you wouldn't have figured this out if you hadn't listened to yourself first. 

​No, I'm not talking about the coronavirus. I'm talking about another epidemic that 3 out of 5 Americans suffer from every day.  The problem is worse among older Americans: 43% claim they are suffering. 

What is this epidemic? Loneliness.

Connected Yet Isolated
Ironically, as technology has become more connected than ever we seem to be feeling disconnected and isolated. As we get older, we also seem to become more isolated than ever. Experts say that loneliness and social isolation have been estimated to shorten a person’s life by 15 years, equivalent in impact to being obese or smoking 15 cigarettes per day.

Loneliness and Depression: A Vicious Cycle 
Depression and loneliness are often intertwined. One study found that loneliness functions as both a symptom of depression and a predictor of depression. Loneliness can trigger feelings of depression and depression can create feelings of isolation. As the time moves on, feelings of loneliness increase and symptoms of depression increase. Although this loop can feel impossible to break, there are some things you can do to get out of it.

Reach Out Even If It's Hard
Learning how to build stronger connections with others, how to communicate more effectively, and even how to see yourself in a more positive light can make a real difference.

The key is building real connections in person with real people. Having 200K friends on social media is not going to help. The best place to start is with the existing relationship you have now. It can be hard to to make the first move, especially if you've drifted away from people but making that effort will be worth it in the long run. Start with something easy, like an email or text just reaching out to say, "Hey, been thinking about you. Would love to get together sometime soon."

Talk About Loneliness: More People Should
The first step toward dealing with a problem is admitting that it's a problem. Hardly anyone talks about being lonely. That's because our society values the strong, individual willing to go it alone to be successful. But, we need people. We're wired that way. We need more people willing to go against the stigma that feeling lonely is weak or only something losers experience. I feel lonely many times being an entrepreneur working by myself. There, I said it. You can too.

Be Kind to Yourself
Getting rid of negative self-talk can go a long way toward combatting loneliness. Make an effort to catch negative thoughts and replace them with a positive message. By beating yourself up, you add fuel to fire because not only are you missing out on social connections you're also creating a hostile relationship with yourself. This takes practice, but it can significantly improve your life.

Do you feel lonely? What do you do to get out of it? I'd love to hear from you. And remind you that you're not alone. Many of us feel lonely too but we can get through it together. 

Your nervous system is a super complex network of nerves and specialized cells that governs your movements and takes in sensory information so you can interact with your world. It's constantly transmitting messages to and from your brain. 

​At one point, doctors and scientists believed that we had little or no control over this system, kind of like breathing or the beat of a heart. It just functions.

​But, you actually can activate the part of your nervous system that is responsible for resting and regeneration, and that is how you can prevent most chronic issues caused too much stress.

A Quick Overview of Your Nervous System
The nervous system is made up of a whole bunch of systems, each responsible for a particular job within your body. It's like a hierarchy of systems and at the very top are two components: the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system. ​Your central nervous system is made up of your brain and spinal cord and is primarily responsible for coordinating all activity in your body. The peripheral nervous system, includes nerves and groups of neurons, is divided into two parts: the somatic nervous system and the autonomic nervous system. 

The autonomic nervous system is then broken down into three parts (see, it is a super complex system!): the sympathetic nervous system, the parasympathetic nervous system, and enteric nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is the one that gets activated when you're stressed or experiencing trauma (the "fight or flight" response). Finally, we get to the good stuff: the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the "rest and digest" response. 

Your Built-in Resilience 
The parasympathetic nervous system resets organ function after the sympathetic nervous system is activated (the adrenaline dump you feel after a "fight-or-flight" event). Effects include slowing of heart rate, lowered blood pressure, and stimulation of digestion, all of which helps your body return to homeostasis (a state of balance in the body). This is the power of your parasympathetic nervous system. 

Studies show that the more you can activate your rest and digest response, the more resilient your body gets in dealing with stressors. 

Ideally, your sympathetic and parasympathetic systems are meant to function in balance to keep you safe and help you recover from stressful events.  Unfortunately, in our "always on" society, we tend to run our sympathetic nervous system ragged. The good news is you can learn how to active your parasympathetic nervous system to build up your resilience muscle. 

How to Activate Your Parasympathetic Nervous System
The easiest and fastest way to activate your built-in resilience system is by breathing but not just any breathing. You need to breathe from your diaphragm or abdominal. To do this, simply put one hand on your belly and breath in. You should feel your belly rise against your hand and when you exhale your belly will fall.
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​The other thing I do when I'm stressed is to breathe using the 4-6-8 method. This will immediately calm down my mind. Try it:

• Inhale to the count of 4 (Not using Mississippi in between numbers)
• Hold your breath and count to 6
• Exhale and count to 8

Do this twice and return to your normal breathing pattern. 

You can also try my guided breathing meditation. Meditation is a great way to activate your parasympathetic nervous system. We could all use more rest and restoration in my opinion!

Imagine, for a second, what would happen at your job, your home, and with your family if you decided to just quit everything.

How long would it take before things fell apart? Not long, I bet. You’re probably the key reason why things run smoothly. The linchpin. The cornerstone.
So why do women often undervalue what we do?

​You probably worry that people won’t like you, that you’ll be seen as too pushy, or that your work should speak for itself...which is why you don’t take up the space you deserve. I know because I’ve done this for most of my life. And...I’m done.

I'm done with being overly accommodating and self-deprecating because I've learned from nearly two decades in my career that it doesn't get me anywhere. I've left tons of money on the table by accepting initial job offers simply because I felt "honored" they wanted me. No one is going to negotiate for me. I've got to do it.
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At home, I used to make sure that everyone had what they needed before I'd take care of myself. A lot of women do this naturally but there are men who do it too. Now that my kids are teenagers, I don't need to be the full-time caretaker so much because frankly, they take advantage of mom doing the laundry, making their lunches, or running errands for them. It was exhausting...plus, it's a perfect opportunity for them to learn how to adult.
So, I’m owning my worth—and here's how you can too:
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• Make a list of everything you're good at and take the time to really “own” each one. You may think organization skills or follow up is not all that valuable but let me tell you, I rarely see people do it. Yet, it's absolutely needed to ensure that projects or initiatives succeed. I'm good at those things, and my employer and boss need to see the results from my work so, I tell them about it. Many people undervalue what they do to raise kids or manage a home. These skills are transferrable to the workplace! 

• Be conscious of times when you undervalue yourself. Do people compliment you on a job well done and you say something like, “Oh, it was no big deal.” If so, you're undervaluing yourself without even knowing it. Instead, say, “Thank you," and leave it at that. Don't downplay your contributions whether you're at work or at home. I want you to try this—believe me, you’ll see a difference immediately.
• Ask for what you deserve, whether it’s more money or even more time to do what you need to do. I used to overcommit on project deadlines, kill myself to get it done, and never complain...well, people ended up expecting me to do MORE! Sound like you? Don't try to get ahead in your career by pleasing demanding people. Because you can't make everyone happy. Simply do what you do well and ask for what you need to do the job. Guess what? This works at home too.
• Speak up when you feel strongly about the best way to accomplish a goal. I used to just nod my head and follow more assertive personalities even though I knew there was a better way. If you’re confident in your solution, don’t go with the flow. Give reasons why the goal may be better accomplished by considering another strategy that you've seen work and give examples of it working.

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Since I've been implementing these changes, I've seen that the majority of people I work with, and my family, respect me for owning my value. Is it time for you to do the same?